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Feeling Like I Am Always Walking On Eggshells

“I spent so many years walking on eggshells … never doing or saying the right thing. One day I decided I’d had enough and stomped all over them. Those broken eggshells cut me deeply as I walked away … but this … was the most beautiful pain I had ever felt.” —S. L. Heaton

We all at one point in our lives experience that walking on eggshells feeling. I think for the most part I walked on eggshells for a good portion of my life. It all stems from when I was growing up, throughout my marriage and sometime shortly after my separation. I was preconditioned as an adolescent that having an opinion, saying certain things, acting a certain way, being scared to say what I felt because I would be yelled at or told to be quiet (not that nicely by the way). I always kept to myself at home to avoid the yelling or reprimand for saying or asking certain questions. Maybe that's not what was intended, but all I know, from my perception, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells.

During my marriage, at the beginning there wasn't so much of that feeling of walking on eggshells. It was till years later, almost right before we separated, that the feeling came back. It made me feel useless and scared to say what I thought and how I felt. It was always a stare, why do you act like that, why do you laugh like that, why did you spend money, how late are you going to be, oh my god, really that is what you're wearing, I don't like short hair, leave your hair long, etc... All of these words and actions always kept me from saying and being who I really was. Tattoos were considered inappropriate for the status we were living. How can someone who I love, even as a child, treat me and say these things to me? I thought to myself on a daily basis how can love be this hurtful? A lot of my insecurities and mental health was caused by years of this kind of feeling and behavior. This type of behavior as to where the one you love puts you in a predicament of unloving the person you are. I always felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone including myself. Always questioned my self worth, for years I thought I was nothing but air and skin. Living life like if it was Groundhog Day, the movie where the man repeats the same life daily, that was my life. I thought how sad am I. It was a horrible feeling. I will never be able to forget it. That feeling is how someone should never feel. Especially by someone you trust and love.

Shortly after my divorce, I realized that I never wanted to feel that way. I never wanted to feel that feeling of loneliness and emptiness I felt growing up and during my marriage. I felt liberated after a year of separation. That first year of getting to know who I was, was the hardest year of my life. Trial and error my friends, it was like being reborn again but only this time I was an adult who had no life skills and had to relearn them all over again. The feeling of despair took over me for so long, I didn't know what to do or how to get out of it. Luckily I had a great support system of amazing friends and family that were always there to listen.It has taken many breakdowns, tears, trial and error and seeking help to get me to where I am today. Today I am still learning to cope with the feeling of uncertainty and the feeling of walking on eggshells. I am learning my triggers and what sends me off the edge of normality. Looking outside the box from where I was to where I am, is a huge accomplishment. I feel like I am finally growing into who I was told not to be. I am now an independent woman that relies on herself. I am strong willed and I know what I want. I know what I want to feel like in a relationship and what I don't want to feel like in a relationship. I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. As far as a partner, I know what I want and don't want. I have no expectations in life except to live it as best as I can. I surround myself with positive people and people who inspire me to be better.

Why did I just air out my laundry, because it's time for people to stop being afraid to say what's in their past, as our past is what made us who we are today. Use the past as stepping stone to better yourself, to become the best version of you for you. Don't do it to shut up all those people that ever doubted your greatness. They aren't worth the thought or breath to speak about it or think about them. I want to leave with you today that we aren't alone in these moments of walking on eggshells. We are humans just learning how to be and survive. Mistakes happen to the best of people. Judgement is for the weak. You aren't the problem, they are. They don't know how to express themselves so it makes them feel better to feed on what they think are the weak. You are strong and you are beautifully created. Love yourself, Love yourself first, it's up to you! ~~~Janet~~~

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