I feel horrible. I haven't been on here in forever. This is precisely why I decided to write this entry. Let's get right to it.
( I am not writing this for a pat on my back or a job well-done, this is to share to those that feel unmotivated, that make up any excuse to give up, that they can do it!)
I've been on a personal journey of completing an achievement that at one point or the other I thought that I was incapable of achieving. So many years of feeling like I was stuck like a compass, not knowing which way is North or South. I looked around me and instead of seeing all the good and great around, of my accomplishments, how far I've come and grown; I was focusing on the feeling of un-achievement, so my head said. That mentality takes you down a spiral staircase or like someone I know always refers to as, "Down the rabbit hole." LOL, It was a moment of enlightenment when I, not only found the courage but a wise person really drilled me that I needed to take this step in order to accomplish this task. I will admit I had made up every reason as to why I was not going to be able to achieve it or make it happen. My own self-doubt really but the more I tried to talk myself out of it, for one reason or the other, that pushed me to do it even more. So, with all the reasons and doubts still in my head, I took the plunge, I registered for 4 6 week mini-term classes this summer. Oh my goodness, talk about a challenge and a half. I was like, "what did I get myself into?" Through all the craziness, I was able to finish that Summer Term. Then, of course, here comes fall term, and you guessed it, I signed myself up for 4 more classes. These classes were definitely a challenge, not only because of the courses that I was taking, but the workload was insane. Let's add to this, a full-time job, 90% of the time I have my son, whom, might I add, plays basketball 3 times a week, during my classes. I would have to haul ass, drop him off, run back home, continue lecture, cook my son's second dinner, pick him up, log back into class to continue lecture, to feed, and put my son to bed. After that was done, I would then have to stay up and study until 2 am-3 am in the morning. Then be up at 6:30 am to start a regular work and school day. (I am exhausted just typing that! lol)
For almost 3 months, this was my life. There were days that I wanted to give up for any and all reasons. It was so hard. Single mom, going to school full-time, son with her most of the time, full-time job, with absolutely no outside help, I was like, "Fuck This!" Then I would pep talk at myself and remember this little voice inside of my head that said, "If it were easy, anyone could do it." The harder it is, the more the fire burned within me to keep going. Between midterms, basketball games, work deadlines the crazier my life started to get. Around mid to end November, I felt the weight on my shoulders, deadlines all around, finals, papers, projects, school about to let out for a break, I didn't know what to do with myself. My life at that moment felt like the Pollock image I attached to this entry. Last night of my last final, the hardest one, I for sure thought I wasn't going to pass. I log on, it takes me 2 hours and 10 minutes to complete, I remember clicking submit, closing my eyes, and waiting for my score, I opened my eyes, and with tears running down my face and my son's excitement, I PASSED! Yes, I did it! I finally obtained my AA. It was the best feeling ever, one that I hadn't felt in a really long time. The fact that I was sharing this moment of accomplishment with my son, made it even that more special. So, now I am doing it to myself for the next 18 months and I am on the road to my BA and then going right into my Master. The adrenaline that is rushing through me after seeing and knowing I can do it, has yearned a fire in me to not settle and to keep going. There is no way to describe it.
I have had some great moments of achievements that I will share in another entry. But I have to say if it wasn't because of this moment of achievement, I probably wouldn't have gotten the strength to continue on the road that truly is changing my views and perceptions in life. It's funny, people have mentioned to me that I lack self-love, self-motivation, that I settle for less than I deserve, this may be true, in my past. Today, I have to say that I feel worthy of more, that I see myself in another light that at one point was diminished by the toxicity around me. There have been many people, particularly one, they know who they are, that really gave me the motivation and the support that I needed during this time. There are choices that we as adults make, we know that we are making these choices, and just because it may seem that the person making those choices lacks any of those selfs I mentioned, it honestly is far from the truth. I am the only one that can control what I feel and how I feel, something that was not part of my past because it was taken from me at some point or the other. But as I sit here writing this entry, I am so proud of myself! I am learning every day to love myself more and that others' opinions, words, or insults don't matter, this is in reference to my past, my present is far from that. A bright light entered my life, that I will forever be grateful for. What matters is you! What matters is me!
With that being said, I am leaving you all with a quote, “To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.” ~~Robert Morley
As always, love yourself first, it's up to you! XOXO Janet